What to expect.....

This is my 1st time participating in Pour Your Heart Out.
I have read all the time and commented on posts before but really had nothing to pour my heart out about.
Now....I do.

I have posted before about my oldest son's "issues" with potty training. He suffered from chronic constipation as a baby and even as a toddler, and he's been fully potty trained on numerous occasions. And now, he's coming up on his 5th birthday and he's back in pull ups!

I am completely at a loss. We have tried everything with him. I've heard the "don't worry he won't go to kindergarten without being potty trained" Well I beg to differ!

I've also heard, "don't worry, he'll do it when he's ready". Really? He's done it before and he's almost 5. Now what?

I sit and cry, often. For one, I feel like a complete failure as a parent. I can't potty train my son. I've read every book, I've read every article. I've read blogs, I've read magazines, I've read the "experts" and I have a degree in psychology for Pete's sake. Can it really be that hard to help my child go poop in the potty?

I want to cry for him, the fact that his friends make fun of him for smelling or for being a baby. When I took him into the preschool he is in I walked in and said "Hi I am looking for a place for my almost 4 year old son" She said No problem we have room. And I literally cried and said "One thing though, he's not potty trained" and she said "No problem" and I cried harder.

He went, and within weeks he was back to being potty trained. We were thrilled, we had a party we got treats, we did dances. And now, for months, he's back to pooping in his pants again.

I read a blog post on some one's blog one time about how appalled they were, not that their child had an accident at school, but that they were actually put in school underwear and clothing and it became a joke to them, I sat and cried. I cried and cried because I thought, how would that mom feel if they had my child. A child that comes home daily in something other than what he went to school in.

I've spent a ton of money on underwear that the school proceeds to throw out if they are "soiled". So now he's back in pull ups, and he could care less.

I get that he has anxiety about going, he has a deep seeded fear that it's going to hurt his little butt by going poop because he is used to constipation and when he finally would go it was so big it would hurt his butt. But his diet has changed, he's older and he's regular.

And now I cry because I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to explain to him that it's not going to be painful, to tell him that if he goes just one time in a day he won't have the issues that he has. That the other kids won't make fun of him.

What to expect when you are expecting tells you all kinds of good stuff, and what to expect in your first year tells you even more....but I think I need the book "what to expect when your child won't potty train"

He's set to start kindergarten in the fall and I fear he won't be potty trained and then what? There aren't many thing that can break me....but this? This has!