The month of May is hard for me. The only thing that remotely saves it....Thomas' birthday.
I notice my mood changing as May approaches, and half way into May and my heart aches. This seems to be so much worse now that I have children. I haven't decided if I am just more emotional since my boys were born or if it bothers me more that my children have to grow up not knowing their uncle.
Today will mark the 15th anniversary of my only brother's passing. 15 years!! The time sure has flown and a lot of things have transpired, but one thing has always remained the same....I miss him. He was my only sibling, so everything siblings share, I shared with him. Everything I shared with him, he took with him when he left.
I hate that my children will only know him in pictures and in stories. Even though Thomas seems to have a 6th sense connection to him. I took Thomas to "see" him today, and I cried as I took this picture.....because I know my brother is looking down on us. Our conversation went a little like this, and my heart aches and my eyes flooded with tears...
Thomas: Can we go see my uncle mommy?
Me: someday P-nut
Thomas: Why not now? is he busy?
Me: No babe....he lives in Heaven
Thomas: Why? Was he bad?
Me: Because God had special plans for him, and he needed him in Heaven more than we needed him here
Thomas: Ohhh, so when he is done can he come down here again?
Me: How about when we are done here, we can go there and see him?
Thomas: Ok.....is it dark there?
Me: Where in Heaven? I don't think so Babe. I think it's spectacular there, otherwise I don't think your Uncle would have stayed.
How hard it is to try to explain to a 4 year old death. And even harder to explain why mommy's heart aches so. But a hug from the little boy that shares his Uncle's name sure makes it a little more bearable.
I hope my boys don't have to know the feeling of loss of the other. They seem to be two halves to one whole. And the loss of one half leaves the other broken. 15 years is a long time.
TJ, you are remembered today, with a love of a sister who misses you so much more than you will ever know..
A soul set free to fly
August 4, 1970 - May 28, 1996