I was so miserable, I was a balloon just waiting to pop! My skin could not stretch any tighter. If I moved the wrong way while bathing Thomas, I wanted to just cry!
I was just done, but....HE wasn't. He needed to "cook" more. I went to the doc, she said as soon as I hit 36 weeks they would not stop labor if it started. Well guess what? I was 36 weeks and 1 day, or so they thought. Labor started, and I was ready but I wasn't.
When Thomas was born, I was ready, I was done, I was confident, I went into that OR ready. I was excited, but I wasn't nervous. The spinal was done with ease, I was comfy, and all went well. I was up and healing and ready to go 2 days after he was born via c-section.
9:30pm, September 6th, on the way to the hospital, it couldn't have been more wrong. My doctor, in another hospital, on duty! She said she would TRY to get someone to take over for her so she could race down to my hospital. No, this is wrong.....
Monitoring my contractions.....feeling them, watching my stomach tightening and releasing....no doctor....this is wrong. My mom at home with Thomas....this is wrong.
My doctor finally arrives....why do I not feel any better? Why am I not relieved? Why am I not assured it's all going to be okay? This is wrong.
In the OR, trying to relax for my spinal....this is wrong, one needle stick, two needle sticks....I feel it....burning in my hip, down my back into my hip....this is wrong!!! I don't remember it being this painful, I definitely don't remember this pain in my hip....this is wrong.
I don't remember it being this hard to breath, while I was laying there, looking up at the lights, at my husband, and my brain just kept thinking, This is wrong! This isn't how it's supposed to be. I want to stop, I want to turn around, go back....I'll deal with the contractions, I'll lay on my left side, I'll relax, I promise, I'll drink some water and relax.
He was born, he was 7lbs and 13oz, and he was 2 months early, not 4 weeks!! One quick picture with mom and dad, a little kiss on his cheek and off he went, to the NICU. "He's in respiratory distress". What? Wait.....what does that mean? This is wrong.
I couldn't even think straight...I'm stuck on this table, and my baby....he needs me. They tell me they need to put a line in, a tube to help him breath, a line in his umbilical cord to get him the meds he needs. He needs surfactant to help his lungs. We don't have room for your baby here at this hospital, and he will not be staying in your room tonight, we are going to transfer him.....This is Wrong!
They did transfer him, I saw him at 4:30am in a huge contraption, and I couldn't hold him, I couldn't touch him, I couldn't kiss him goodbye. This is wrong! I should go with him, I should be with him, I am his mommy, he needs me!! He was in the NICU for 5 days and I didn't see him until that 4th day after complications of my own at the hospital.
I wish I would have listened to my gut, I wish I would have listened to my instincts, he might have grown a little bigger, he might have had developed his lungs, and he might not have the health issues he has now. But it doesn't matter....despite my gut feelings, he is my baby blue, my little mini me....and I am blessed and lucky to have him in my life!

I Love him!! He's such a ham! And he completed our family....between he and his brother....they were the life of me, and they complete me in every sense of the word!